UndyingBullshit

It's 2:16am and I am pissy and shit. So what better way is there to take out my frustrations on internet dating web sites? (IS THIS A THEME?) I don't know, the internet is all I do. So anyway, me and @Social Loaf (is that trendy? a trendy way to acknowledge him?) set up a decoy profile on a popular online dating web site of some bitchy girl. Basically, she was completely retarded, yet still a shitload of guys messaged her. Here are some select quotes from said guys.

"vhi, im architecture student in turkey, national swimmer, 20years old. wanna make cam sex on msn?"

Every girl's dream. I mean, not only can you speak our language, but you are also romantic and are an athlete.

"This is the older guy thing...I'm like old and stupid...I will easily be totally in love with you because you are gorgeous...You may feel overhwelmed or that the relationship is somehow unbalanced...I've got a degree from Berkeley... blah blah blah...The reality is this. If you want to be treated like a lady, like Marilyn Monroe or Gigi or the lady in My Fair Lady, you will need to consider hooking up with older guys who want to treat you like a lady....Young dudes are really sucking a lot of balls these days..."

I love being told to hook up with older stupid men because that's the reality of life. I don't even know where to begin on this message. But I assume he knows very well about how much young dudes suck balls.

"maybe its not your cup of tea, but thats why i ask to find out, right? well i have a couple of friends, who are bi. they are cute girls. and i was wondering if youd be into having some casual fun with us 2... (or 3).. it depends. obviously, youd get to talk to them and such beforehand. i can show u pics..... let me knwo if u have interest.. we are cool people hehe and looking to have fun :) and you are sooo adorable!!!"

This guy, I swear, was a pimp. I asked him for pictures and these girls were on the web site as well, from completely different cities, hundreds of miles away from him. I think they might have got murdered? I don't even know. I was supposed to meet up and his hoes on Saturday but @Social Loaf called him gay or something. I would have totally gone to meet up with him because he knows just how to attract young ladies. I mean, at least he's a smart pimp. He put up pictures of him with stupid longish brown hair, aviators, American Apparel hoodie, etc. What girl wouldn't want to have an orgy with this bro? Well I won't speculate if that was actually him or not, but he seemed like he would be good at scamming sixteen-year-old girls posing as adults. I can respect a guy like that, man.

"sup girl? i heard you like boners. i am a raisin farmer. would you like to help me harvest the raisins?"

Then we talked about Twilight and nut varieties. His picture featured him covered in food with his pants down in a Sombrero. So basically, he was Mexican Edward.

"Uh-oh. Someone's a brat, I can already tell. Well goodness, you're pretty damn cute, young Lady. And the cool style isn't hurting one bit. Now I'd like to know if you're the same on the inside. I'd say let's get together and see what happens, if you weren't so far away. Are you a good kisser?"

Yes all girls are cute and stylish in their vaginas. Or did he mean our decoy's personality? Signs point to vagina.

"hey,wow,u look fun,wild ,and fun!!! aahah,i am [name],i dont usually date or talk to woman younger than me,but,i would be a fool not to say hello at least,,so hey!!,lets get to know each other more"

This guy clearly speaks English. I kind of feel bad, but, what can I say? Foreign people, IMO (I mean, isn't that acronym in?), are the funniest people alive.

"...I'm a pianist/singer/songwriter, and I'm genuinely interesting to be around, so let me know if you're at all interested in hanging out. I realize that I'm a couple years older than you, but please don't consider that sketchy..."

Every girl genuinely loves ineresting musicians. This message was longer but it was a bunch of chickenshit bullshit.

"i love your hair haha i use to have blue streaks but i got to Stanford and they told me to stop it...... really sucks lol so hows your summer been?"

I love how eloquent Stanford men are. I could just eat them up.

"lets go get into some trouble - low key - i just split with my x too. It'll be fun - we can go rip in the city or something. "

This guy was much older and French and into filming horror films. Seems like a nice normal guy. He asked our decoy if she would ever date him, and she said only if he would be willing to be whipped (figuratively) and he responded, only if he could slap the spit out of her. Having nothing to say, I responded "I don't have spit, I had it surgically removed."

"I don't like your face. Looks like I just insulted you hah I didn't mean to but then again calling you gorgeous or asking how you are is pretty boring. You probably get those messages ALL the time. This is me bringing something fresh to the table...."

You hear that? Calling girls ugly will make them swoon. Take notes, guys.

"Hello again. I'm not sure if you missed the first message I tried to send or not. I'm the kind of guy that follows his gut instinct (intuition?) and, alas, here I am writing you this message... I'm a 25 year old caucasian male; I'm a graduate student, independent, and well versed in life; I'm easy going, low key, down to earth, unique, drama free, and well rounded; I'm a mature, decent, respectful guy; I'm an eternal optimist; I have good morals; I don't lie, steal, cheat, or manipulate!"

Well this guy sounds great. Why does he have a dating site profile? Please, tell us more about your personality because it must all be true.

Anyway. I would go into the deeper implications of all this shit but I'm just gonna say it speaks for itself because I don't want to write anymore. Thx peace out.